![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
i cant even sleep. no surprise she doesnt even wanna talk to me. i wouldnt even wanna talk to me. my life now fully sucks and i have no purpose anymore. the most heart breaking thing is being told that you arent going to ever talk to the person whom youre madly in love with. my hearts been slit into millions of pieces. i want to get out of here. i wish i could. she never even texted me back. whyd i leave her a voicemail? blah but its true tho, she did lie. She said she'd never let me go..eh. She said that to me the last time we hung out too..i think. my mind sucks. i wonder if i die, what wud happen. wud she even care? wouldnt blame her if she didnt. fuck my messed up life. im meant to be alone forever becuz i choose to never get into sumthing like that with sumone again. i doubt i cud seeing as im only in love with one person and that person never wants to speak to me again. i thought this would never happen. i thought it wud be you and me forever. why am i ranting on this? pathetic. ah. im getting off. i need to shut the fuck up.
bestieeeee.
Posted on 2009.04.17 at 01:55Current Location: Your mind
Current Mood: asjdhasdh
Current Music: So I love her, DJ Quik & sugar Free
AWW! x]
lol
I wanna be bigger than you but i dont wanna be the cat haha
thats such a cute pixs tho
It'll all work out dont even trip about it dude
just give it time
we havent had a serious serious chat in a long long time ya know?
Rachel cheated on both of us lol
wid that one girl! lmfao
SO whyd you get a livejournal? lol wait nvm i know the answer
haha
im boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
lol
I wanna be bigger than you but i dont wanna be the cat haha
thats such a cute pixs tho
It'll all work out dont even trip about it dude
just give it time
we havent had a serious serious chat in a long long time ya know?
Rachel cheated on both of us lol
wid that one girl! lmfao
SO whyd you get a livejournal? lol wait nvm i know the answer
haha
im boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Evelyn!
Posted on 2009.04.17 at 01:46Current Location: Cow store
Current Mood:
bored
Current Music: NeverShotNever!
Thats muh Bestieeeeeeeeeeeeee!
hahaha x]]]]]]
im bored and cant sleep. lol
hahaha x]]]]]]
im bored and cant sleep. lol
I love Millie Elizabeth Ventura
muahahaha!
x]]
muahahaha!
x]]
what the fuck? I dont know. Should i feel happy or mad? This is all just so damn confusing. A part of me wants to be mad while another part just wants to be sorta happy but in a sad kind of way. Life stinks. I have these dumb hiccups and they wont leave me and its pissing me off. I miss her. I miss her so much. What do i do? Why dont i ever know what to do? I cant do anything. After that i dont know. My mind is in a huge jumble. Love is so confusing. Why is it that i cant fully comprehend it all at once? I have so many questions. I dont ever want to lose her. EVER. But at some point i have to dont i? Nothing lasts i know that but still, i cant help thinking that it will all be all good though. My head hurts and i just dont know. Love is like wtf? I feel so much and at the same time i just dont know where i stand. My chest hurts from all this hiccuping and my head does too. My body feels hot and unbearable. Pain. it sucks. A lot. wtf??? Ergh every time i think its all good something fucks me up. All these stupid little things that just arent helping me think or know what to do. I got offered weed today and to tell you the truth i was considering it. But i didnt cause i know id piss her off. Today ive really been on a smart intellectual sort of way and its kool. But when it comes to my things i cant be like that. Fuck i feel dizzy and i feel so lightheaded and unsure of anything. I feel like im going to barf. My neck hurts. And my breathing is accelerating and my mind is just stupid. I feel a nose bleed coming on and my finger just started bleeding again. Why dont i know any of this? Why cant i control all of this? Why do i worry so much and why do i panic like this. Why cant i be ok with losing her, i know its gonna happen at some point but still i dont want it to. I want her forever but fuck it just cant be that way. I hate myself with a passion. I feel like ima drop dead at some point and just fuck! IDK! i dont know anything and im fed up with not knowing so. I want to. Why the fuck do you beckon all this on me? Its unbelievably retarded. I hate you and i hate myself. I hate everything that has to do with me. Everything that is me, i hate. People lie and thats something i gotta get used to. I have no clue why people seem so attracted to me and make it seem that way and then eventually fuck me over like idk. I just hate this. I wnat to know what to do. I need help. I need her. Thats what i need. I always do. But i just dont know. I wonder what shes thinking. Maybe shes mad or sad or happy? idk how the hell should i know? I want to see her. Ive been wanting for what seems like forever. Why is it that i dont know? Why do i keep saying the same shit over again? I have this crazy feeling that im just slowly dying within and i cant stand it. This has got to be the last time i freak out. But it wont be, I know myself t o darn well. My heads going to explode. It feels as if my brain it trying to burst out and ramming the sides of my head. My eyes burn and are watery cause of this light. Its pretty early and i should try something but i know i wont. Or maybe i will. Is this how it is to be in love ? Cause ive never had this with anyone. Only with her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her. FUCK. I cant get her out of my mind, Never can. Probably never will or atleast it feels like it. I feel like im going to barf and it hurts. My thraot burns. FUCK!!!! Im so iwyvjefgsahdjhasdfjasjkdashdasjdh. Murder me. Completely vanish me from this anguish and unbearable hurt with in. I need to shut the fuck up. Thats what i gotta do. I wont though. Im just leaving. Bye. Shit.
i wont be the way i was on that night.
Posted on 2009.02.05 at 00:28Current Location: Somewhere in my brain.
Current Mood: No Clue
Current Music: NeverShoutNever.& Itunes.
Whats there to say? To do? Ms.Jackson--> Outkast. Its been awhile you know? I havent wrote on here for quite some time. Alots been up. I am not about to write it all out thought. Well i talked to Millies mom today lol. I feel like singing. Its sorta late and i feel like im being so damn boring haha. My finger is bleeding and i might hang out with Millie Friday night =]. I miss muh baybeessssssssss! lol. Aaliyah-->I miss you. Is it your heart still mine? I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuu. Im singing and im afraid im going to wake everyone up! haha. Im so slow at writting. I had so much to write and now that i can do so, i blank out. How great haha. Gosh love is sorta really confusing ya know. My mind wanders off so much and i come up with so many conclusions. These boxers my mom bought me are so damn comfortable though haha i was telling Millie about that today x]]. I wonder what its like to be able to know everything. I wish i had a superpower. Or something kool like that. Ludacris & Tina-->Whats your fantasy. I wanna get you in the back seat windows up. That's the way you like to fuck fogged up: FOG ALERT. Rip the pants and rip the shirt. Ruff sex make it hurt. In the garden all in the dirt. Roll around Georgia Brown that's the way I like it twerked. Legs jerk, over worked, under paid, don't be afraid. In the sun or in the shade. On the top of my escalade. Maybe your girl and my friends can trade. Tag team off the rope on the ocean or in the boat factories, or up unda spokes. What 'bout in the candy stoe that chocolate chocolate make it melt. Whips and chains, handcuffs. Smack a lil booty up with my belt, Scream help play my game. Dracula I'll get my fangs. Horse back I'll get my reigns. School teacher let me get my grades. That song makes me realize that im a kinky bastard. I like that kind of stuff. And i like weird things. Hmm i wonder. idk. haha. Mindless thoughts. i think i saw a snickers around here on the table. Ima go get it cuz im sorta hungry lol. I gotta work out. Damn I wonder what its like to just give up. Like not care about anything. I cant do that though. No matter how hard i try, thats not how i function. I got that snickers! haha. I was talking to Millie today and well maybe it would be hot if she did dress up like a super hero. Cause she could work that outfit with that killer body. I wonder what Millie's super power would be if she were a super hero. Well if the whole world were super heroes and what not. Hmmm. That would be kool. I wonder what my super hero power would be. haha. My mom wants me to bust a mission with her tomorrow but im so lazy lol. I always use "haha" or "lol" alot. its weird at times. I wonder what my life would be like if i wouldnt of changed my views on things when i was younger. I wonder if i would still be mindlessly hooking up with random girls and stuff. Or if i would of met anyone ive met now. Or anyone whos liked me or who ive gotten with. I want to go to pete's. I want to go the park and swing on the swings. I finished that snickers. So Into You--> Fabulous ft. Tamia. But girl ima do whatever just to keep a grin on you now. blah blah lol. I feel like hearing music haha. Love is so incerible you know? Its not just about the physical, its far beyond that. Its an intense emotion that is described in so many ways by so many people and honestly no one can be wrong when it comes to defining it, unless its like really stupid lol. I have to clean out my phone. I sorta feel in pain at the moment lol. My whole body is so retarted. I wish there was a perfume with like Millies sent in it cause she always smells so gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood! So fruity and mmmmmmm. Idk. Her mouth always tastes so good too. Hmmmm. Im so boring lately. I hate it. Well ive always been boring but never this boring. I want to read. I was reading that really long passage Millie wrote to me a long time ago. Its crazy how much emotion was in it. That made me realize how much she truly cares for me. Always has and it feels nice. Im so slow. I wonder whats gonna happen tomorrow. wow i can type without looking at the screen haha its so bomb. i just closed my eyes! Woah i really can do this!! I feel so damn kool! Miley cyrus is so weird..I dont like this song its whack lol. But the lyrics are actually pretty good just maybe if someone else sang the song it would be good. Dream-->Shawty is a Ten. Barberry fragrance on my shirt from when she hugged me. Hard as a rock from when she touched me. Thinkin now that she would've loved me. What it is, what it ain't, tell me what to do. I know I'm late but destiny brought me back to you. I love that song. You know what i strongly dislike anyone whos been with Millie. Ive realized that within these last two days of deep thought. I hate them for once being able to have her because shes mine. It infuriates me just thinking about them touching her and all that stuff. But what gets me even more mad is when i think back cause she said she was usually the one that initiated it. For that reason i feel uncomfortable all though i shouldnt but thats how it is. Blah man im so dumb. I should just accept that it is what it is. I like to draw. But i sorta suck at that and half the time idk what to draw. Maybe i should watch a movie. Or maybe i should do something to distract my mind. Cause i cant go to sleep and well i dont want to just lay there thinking about stuff like what i mentioned earlier. I wish i could just call someone and bug them but i know i'll feel as if im bugging. I stopped writting down song names and stuff cause i got annoyed. I like feeling loved. Affection is what i crave the most and if im not recieving it, i get mad. I talked to cynthia today. Shes moving on and thats good for her cause she has all the right to do so. Although idk nvm. I just hope shes happy with all her stuff and what not. But i really should get off that topic. Umm i dont know i keep bouncing from one topic to another and its getting weird to me. My finger is still bleeding and its starting to hurt. I hope it all goes good though. With friday and all. I also hope i stop getting so mad over things. Im starting to get fed up with myself. It gets so annoying and retarted and well i cant stand myself. I forgot to show millie the webpage that has more info on that house. I bet she'll like that. I still have to go check it out and idk when ill be leaving back to grand rapids. I really dont know id i want to go back though cuz idk its just boring. Here i feel so comfortable and yea. Freakin Ruby is so slow, she didnt reply! lol. I feel like watching porn lol. I havent gotten any action what so ever. No phone, no physical. It upsets me lol. Porn doesnt quiet do the trick anymore, freakin Millie..lol. Hmmm I wonder id shes asleep. Hopefully she is and stuff. And she better eat 2morrow. I mean shes gotta use the money i gave her to eat cause my babies and her need to be grubbing and stuff. It makes me happy when she does. I miss my babies!! I hope friday does happen though cause i want to kiss her tummy and blah just feel love! haha Possibly leave her another hicky muahaha! Love bites are so bomb! Well i should be getting off so i guess i will be now. Since im being random and pointless most of the time. I yeah nvm. Goodnight Hournal Entry! haha. =]] Grrr I miss Millie though!! I wont be able to fucking sleep. Im really considering that porn tho haha. gah i have no life.
To cynthia.
Posted on 2008.10.02 at 00:09Current Mood:
thankful
Current Music: My heart by paramore
How to start this off. well i had a whole speech planned out but i dont remember anymore.Great.Well you are greatly considered a lot to me. More than anyone can ever begin to imagine. No one understands how much i care for you. The mere thought of you makes me smile. I remember the night I asked you to be mine. I stalled for so long cause i didnt know what to say or how to say it. I was so afraid. Of what you may ask? well i really dont know possibly of getting hurt by you. And then when i finally asked you i remember your face and that smile. The way you were biting you lip. Your hair was kinda messy cause it was late and stuff. But you still seemed amazingly beautiful. It was the smile that definetly made me forget everything and for those 5 minutes you were all i could think about. The one thing that mattered. It was just the look on your face, or the way your eyes seemed to have lit up, or the smile really..it was more like what i saw behind all of that. For that time being you just seemed so perfect and true. As if i truly was the reason for all of your happiness. I simply couldnt believe that I had made you that happy. It was incredible and still is whenever i remember it. You mean so much to me because something about you just makes me want to never leave you. I dont know what it is but its there. Maybe its your smile..those lips or maybe its just the way you are. Or all the things you've said to me really i have no clue. But whatever it is, its there. And its driving me insane. And lately yea we havent been talking and stuff but that hasnt made these feelings change. Whenever we speak now I completely blank out and dont know what to tell you. Its like i wanna pour my heart out to you but i do my best to not do so because well i seem to be doing that every time we talk and stuff. Maybe its just the fact that i miss you so much and all the lovey dovey things you've said. The sweet nicknames the i love yous and everything. Your voice. Your cute little lisp. The late night phone conversations. The semi all nighters. The way your voice tone completely changes when your falling asleep, into this sexy and unresistable new one that just makes me go crazy. Truly excites me. Its a bit different now a days but there truly isnt a day when all of this doesnt rewind again and again in my mind. Like that one night when you were on webcam. The night you had your gym shorts on. And you looked so amazing. It was as if you were glowing. And then you had that smile on. You looked so adorable. Thats another unforgetable night. Honestly i seem to not be able to live without you. But if the day came where this all came crashing down to a final stop then i would have to deal with it. Yeah itd be hell but seriously as long as your happy it doesnt matter. Whether its with me or someone else. Im willing to do anything to make sure your happy. If one day your feelings do change Id like you to tell me. That way i could stop wasting your time. But for the time being..for Now while i still have you, im going to appreciate every second of it. And yea i am selfish when it comes to you, more than you can possibly imagine. I still want all of your attention. Ha if it were up to me id always have you to myself and wouldnt share you with anyone. I wanna be thee only person putting a smile to your face and thee only person making you happy in general but of course i cant do that so i deal. I dont know if its a good thing to want you that bad to myself but its true. I love you so much. I seriously do cynthia and well i just dont know. Im hoping you feel some what the same way and what not. But yea i think ive gone on for quite some time so i should stop. And well just remember that i dont care what other people think or if this will piss them off. If they dont like it then they shouldnt be on my page or reading this section of it. You mean way to much to me. Cynthia i love you with all my heart, I truly do and cant seem to live without you.
Finally i was able to talk to cynthia! And of course im happy cause of it. She explained why she wasnt able to call and what not. So turns out i was just being paranoid haha Gah i miss her already! Todays been a pretty happy day for me. Some misunderstandings but in the end it turned out good. Im just so glad i was able to talk to cynthia cause honestly i was starting to believe that she would never talk to me! Truth is shes my main focus. I want her i need her i love her. Yea im not in love with her and niether is she with me but so what? It doesnt matter. I have strong feelings for her because honestly i wouldnt of reacted that way if i didnt. I wouldnt of cared if she didnt mean anything to me. SO yea she means alot to me. I mean shes just so happy and energetic and caring. She apologized so many times cause of everything i was thinking was going on. And she kept telling me how much she cares for me and loves me and made me feel so wanted. And just like she likes to be told that i love her and need her, i do too. I like to know where i stand with her. I want to know her feelings arent changing for the bad but for the good. She makes me so happy and somehow always manages to make me chill and not be mad over stupid shit. She makes me forget my problems and just focus on her. Its like when i talk to her i forget about whatever it is i was doing and ill lag haha. Man shes so pretty and pink haha i love that. Her cheeks are always all pink and she looks so cute. Her hair is just so freakin amazing and i love it even if its messy cuz truth is i love it way better when its messy than all nice. Dont get me wrong i love it to when its nice but messy is just so RAWR and sexy lol. haha i miss talking to her till late though cause then her voice tone completely changes and it sounds so sexy and hot. Its a turn on and she knows it just like when she says my voice tone changes too and its sexy, i dnt think mine is but ey if she says so then ok lol. And her lisp is a perfect flaw cause it makes me just smile like this -->=D but i like it. Then she goes all crazy and wild..messing up her hair and going rawr! its so freaking adorable. I love it when she smiles! Its like if shes not smiling then im doing something wrong. Like that one night when we were talking at 2 am in the morning! Fuck it was all dark and she looked fucking beautiful. just sitting on the floor wearing her gym shorts and that shirt. Her hair looked so amazing and she looked outrageously stunning. That smile was driving me insane too cause it was so happy yet so sexual cuz of what i told her and rawr it was just wow. My dad killed it tho! blah. Then that one other day when she was laying on her bed moving all over the place gah. It made my mind think of some of the most perverted images ever. But truth is shes a perv too and i like it. And i know she likes my perv side too. Its just like i cant stop wanting to compliment her. Oh god and when she bites her lip damn i get this urge to just wanna kiss her and smother her in as many kisses as she'll allow me to give her. God and before we stopped talking i couldnt stop dreaming with her. Man the first dream was so amazing. I mean i woke up wid a hard on but fuck that dream was so amazing. I wanna know what her dream was too though. Im hoping she tells me tommorrow. Ima try to get on early cause i think she'll be on and well i dnt wanna miss a single second not talking to her.You know what i love? When we are on the phone and i shut up and dont say anything she'll like not know what to do so ill talk and she'll go and on and on. I love that haha. Honestly wow i cant believe i got with cynthia though. I never thought id get with her and now that im feeling like this i wouldnt want it any other way. I dont care anymore if ppl like it or not because i gotta start putting my feelings first. Ive always put others feelings first but truth is im done. I wanna be happy even if its just for awhile. So im giving my full time and dedication to cynthia because she deserves it. Shes there for me when she can be. And all she really has to say is that it'll either be ok or that it doesnt matter or isnt worth my anger over it. Then she'll tell me things to make me smile or tell me to give her a smile and that just about always seems to work. Then she's always telling me how she loves me. Lets me know she'll never leave me. Promises not to. Shes done things she isnt suppose to do to talk to me. She'll wait for me to get on and as soon as im on she'll IM me. Even before the AIM thing has loaded BLAM if she's on she'll IM me and i love that. I dont have to go IM her becuz thats how bad she wants to talk to me. She doesnt waste a single minute and i like that. I guess what im trying to say is that im really into her for various reasons. Affection and love is the main thing i like from the people whom want me like that. I feel lucky to have found someone like cynthia. I just dont know what id do if i lost her. After my last relationship i honestly believed that i wouldnt get with anyone. That i wouldnt find anyone who i could fully trust. Someone who would truly care and give me that love that i want. And then BOOM there comes cynthia. It happened so unexpectedly and that led to this. What we have now. Its almost a month! x]] I cant believe its been a month! awww love songs. Before id be annoyed of them but now its like if i hear one the first thing that pops into my mind is cynthia. Wow i just realized that i say cynthias name awhole lot..lol. This is just right now imagine how much i say her name through out the day? its alot believe me haha. I miss her sooooooooooooooo much though. Like shes probably asleep right now. My baby laying in bed sleeping all cutely and what not. Dreaming who knows what =] How cute..i should really be going to bed to haha i wake up in about an hour or so lol. Im truly just so glad that i have someone like cynthia though. She truly means alot to me and i love that. I miss her. Her voice..her beauty. Just her in general. I wish i could go to bed and have her next to me. I wish i could be able to hug her tightly up against me and throw my leg over her haha. Body heat..lol freaking cynthia. One day the whole getting lost in the woods thing shall happen. Shes truly my baby and i want everything to just go perfect for her. I want her to be safe at all times. And honestly i just wanna spend forever with her. As stupid as that may sound to others becuz nothing lasts forever and of course i know that but it doesnt hurt to want it still. I feel as if i cant live without her. I dont want her to ever leave me. I want her to be with me through it all. Never walk out of my life. Now im just exageratting but idc its how i feel now. These feelings may seem like something more than just a love and maybe sound like im in love but honestly idk. Maybe i am falling in love and i just havent realized it yet but i truly dont know. Ive realized that at night i am way more in touch with my feelings than in the day. During the day im like idk when it comes to my feelings. At night it all seems somewhat cleared. And i like that. Even though i have trouble sleeping when i do sleep i love it becuz dreaming shes with me makes me all that much happier. FUCK honestly i love that girl. I love everything about her! And this is why i miss her so much. I feel so incomplete when shes not here talking to me. The only problem we have is the distance. But it actually lets us connect in so many different levels. It'll make our bond all that greater when we finally can be together. How i long to kiss and hold her and never let go. Just freeze that moment and never let it end. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Truth is i wouldnt be able to stop staring and kissing her. Id kiss her all day that day if i cud and if i knew she maybe wudnt get annoyed..lol. I just love her so much! I dont know what it is exactly about her that attracts me so strongly. i mean i have ideas of what it could be but it seems like something more than that. Truth is i just cant put my finger on it. Its not like shes a mystery but its not like she isnt at the same time. Honestly idk. I now need to go to bed and what not. But i still miss her like crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I love cynthia and i truly will die inside if i ever lost someone as amazing and meaningful to me. Goodnight journal. Thank you =]
Yesterday was fun. It took my mind off alot of things. But now im just like starting to believe that cynthia forgot about me. hmmm. Maybe shes to busy doing who knows what to actually bother to call or sumthing. I dont know what ima do or say when she calls. Idk if ima be over joyed or pissed. I feel like ima explode on her but then i dnt think i will cuz im not that mean. Maybe she just hasnt been able to call. Or doesnt wanna cuz she found someone better who shes interested in. Fuck. Its just so frustrating. Man if she hasnt called cuz she just doesnt wanna then that means she doesnt think this relationship is worth her time. But fuck she cud of atleast called and told me its over. For all i know its been over. At this rate idk what is going on with whatever we have now. I dont know if its good or bad or in between. Honestly this is making me think that it was a bad idea to get with cynthia. Cuz if what im saying is true then she got bored of me quick. I wanna explode. I wanna fucking just idk. I feel like im useless. Easily replaced. Easily forgotten. Wow. Even ppl who dont care have called more than she has. Ha. For all i know she lied and has never cared. Or thought she did and through out this time realized she didnt. FUCK. This pisses me off as well as hurts. Gah. I truly am stupid for believing that she cared. For believing in love after everything. Theres no point. At this rate im gonna end up quitting on all of this shit. Just stop thinking that one day ill find my true love. Cause i wont. Why should i strongly believe in something that can easily destroy you. Love is amazing when you have it. When you lose it, its horrible and hurts. Makes you suffer so much. haha i guess i truly was wrong. My friends were right. Theres no point in putting all your effort into something like love or women. Something always ends up killing it all. I feel like i wanna just die. I havent felt like this for months. I dont wanna deal with all this hurting. Im tired of putting everyones feelings first. What about myu feelings?? Who the hells gonna care about mine. Why would cynthia make me promise not to ever leave her and then do this?? Makes no sense but then again nothing really does. Blah fuck it. I doubt shes gonna call anytime soon. Im tired of waiting for a call i might never get. And if i do get it i think it'll be a break up call or sumthing. But oh well fuck it. Cynthia can do whatever the fuck she wants. Im not gonna let myself be affected by what ever the fuck shes doing. Im tearing up so im done. No need to cry over this. Ima go read, shower, think, hear music, hopefully sleep, and be excited about this week. Goodbye journal. And uh thanks for being here i guess.
enraged
Well today idk. I feel so confused yet so not caring. But i do care. Havent talked to cynthia today again. I dont know when it is we shall talk again. Its like 1 thousand paper cuts soaked in vinegar. I am still afraid of the fact that she could of already found someone way way better than me. Depressing. I wish everything was fucking good. Why is it that whenever something good happens in my life it is followed by the worst?? I think she just cant talk or maybe she just doesnt feel like this relationship is worth her time. How much does she truly value what we have? Grr i guess i just feel like taking it out on her but its not her fault. Its mine. I let myself get so upset and angry. Always rushing to conclusions. I really just need to speak to someone. But i cant. I dont wanna hear what i know they will already say scratch that what they have already said. To them the greatest way of solving this is to move on and quit because at this rate it doesnt seem to be going anywhere. Problem is i dont wanna. I want it to work. I wanna be fuckin happy. I wanna just have someone there even if its just spiritually. Love and affection is what i aim for. Being happy and not having to worry about anything. Im fed up with just about everything right now. I wanna fuckin explode i wanna yell i wanna scream i wanna forget i wanna be told it'll be ok i wanna have a good life. I want everything to be better. Im nothing but a fool for believing that everything was getting better cuz its not. Ima go read or sing my heart out. I want this stupid dumb phone to ring. I want her to fucking call but i doubt that'll happen. Who knows when she'll get around to calling me. Maybe she already forgot me. Blah go figure. i do hate alot huh? Good thing i named myself that. My head is starting to hurt. My leg hurts! Truth is i just wanna dissapear and forget it all. Get rid of my problems and worries. I wanna know if this will all get better soon. I dont know how much more of this i can take. Im thirsty. I wish someone would just murder me. It'd make my life as well as others lives better. Its cold but hot. I dont like it. Ima go play games on the internet or something cause i know i cant sleep for shit. Im done talking about all this stuff. Its frustrating and quite frankly sad. im out laterz.
confused
I really just feel like typing and typing cause im so mad as well as confused. I dont understand what people want. I mean yeah certain things i do till they completely say the opposite and im just left like wtf. Something ive learned through out my life is that people like to hear what they wanna hear. Most of the time they get it and when they dont they usually dont like that. But honestly what the fuck man i dont get any of this. I havent talked to cynthia like a serious convo for the longest and i am not gonna lie im pissed cause of it. I woke up cranky like fuck today in the night cause of it. I mean i hate the fact that we barely talk now and that it seems to not matter. I feel so unappretiatted as well as unloved. Its bad enough cause of the distance but the whole talking is just so much more frustrating. Yeah she calls at night sometimes but truth is 30 seconds to about 2 minutes a night does not sustain me. It angers me. I know i should be grateful that atleast she calls but those 30 seconds make me wanna hear her so much more but i cant due to the fact that she shouldnt be on the phone. So then the rest of the night im left alone and it sucks. As time passes i start to wonder if maybe her feelings are changing. What if outta nowhere she calls and says thats shes over me completely done. What the hell will happen to me? I dont know how i'll react at that moment cause truth is its just a reaction I'll get if it happens. And then what if she meets someone else? And turns out falling for him? I'll be screwed and honestly im not ready for that type of pain. What if weeks pass and we never speak again?? Then what will happen? i dont know. I guess maybe im just being stupid and worrying for no reason but truth is i dont know. I hate the fact that i have to over think things but gah can you blame me? Its not the first time something like this happens to me and i know for a fact that feelings can change. Moving off the topic of cynthia. And then tonight I am not gonna lie im pissed at the fact that this here person said that stuff to me. If you like someone so much why would you wanna not speak to them? Well i understand you wanna get rid of the feelings but did she have to be so fucking mean about it? If she didnt wanna speak to me she could of fucking said so earlier i would of just not talked to her what so ever. And then asking me if that one thing worked? WTF. Of course not but i deal. i may have said mhm but that was cause i was pissed. The fact that my eyes got all watery and i cried cuz of it makes me feel stupid. Due to the fact that all this time i trusted her with stuff and she basically implied that she was trying to avoid me. Thats fucking messed up and it infuriates me. I mean i felt as if she was someone i could talk to just about anything to. But then she popped out with that and it felt like a major blow. For this reason i am confused. Why would she continue talking to me if she knew she wanted to get me outta her system?? I understand that she wanted to see me happy but why would she tease me like that? Its like randomly she'd say stuff that werent friend like and idk. I guess it just doesnt come together in my mind. Or maybe it does but i dont wanna see it like that. I think im just gonna stop talking to that person because id rather do that then be avoided. But no what pisses me off more was that i told her something really personal that i havent told anyone and not even a half hour later pops out with all that shit. And then that "aha" near the end wtf? It wasnt meant to be funny. If i would have written this at that exact moment i would of probably insulted her but i didnt so im happy about that because putting someone down isnt kool. Enough with that though. Im eating and its late. I cant sleep and am not in the mood to read anything. I just wanna do something to help ease my mind a bit. And also to take my mind off all these things but i cant. Honestly i wish i was madly in love but you cant force yourself to fall for someone it just has to happen. Unexpectedly and beautifully. The day that happens to me shall be the most amazing day of my life because truth is i miss the feeling. I miss knowing that other special person would risk everything just to talk or be with you. I miss being told how much im wanted and loved by them. I miss knowing im the only one on their mind. I miss the butterflies. I miss the words that come from the heart and the way they put it all together so amazingly that it makes your heart beat faster and gets you so happy. Or the i love yous that stop your heart and take your breath away completely. The lovey dovey stuff that follows with it. I miss being felt truly wanted as well as loved and appretiated, cared for. Its something so amazing. I want to find someone who believes i am worth their time someone to spend a great deal of my life with. It doesnt have to be my true soul mate at the moment but something similar to it. I guess the truth is that i want to just already find her and spend forever together and in love with. Get married have kids and both be completely happy and satisfied with it all. Maybe im wanting something too soon at such a young age but can you blame me? I just wanna be happy and complete. I cant deal with anything anymore. I miss my dog! And i miss everyone too. I miss knowing i was the only one. Man i should really be going to bed but i wanna keep typing. I mean i could use the phone to continue this but im too lazy. Reminds me that i might get my new phone soon. Im glad cause im tired of using my cousins. Well i just want to be happy. I need to stop thinking about others feelings and start thinking about my own because if i dont who else will? Its so difficult though. My minds been so fuzzy lately. I dont remember things and when i get home i knock out for like 3 hours then wake up and cant sleep anymore. Honestly though im tired of everything i just wanna quit and stop everything. Just get up and leave somewhere new start fresh and forget about all those who say they love me. Because you never know if they mean it till they prove it. Of course i know those that mean it and those that i am not sure of but still id like to find out the truth. What do these people expect from me? What do they want from me? Am i to them just a form of entertainment? Someone they can trust? Someone whos there to listen? Or what? Do they truly know me? Or do they just assume they do? i dont know how to answer these questions and i wonder if they could answer them for me but then again i dont know. I just wish i knew. In time i guess maybe i will know and if not then oh well to bad. What about all those i care about but dont talk to anymore? Its not easy to forget someone you've bonded with so well. We just go about our days keeping them out of our mind but theyre still there whether we wanna admit it or not. Theyve become a part of us and we dont know if they'll ever be fully out of our system. I wonder if im on their mind? If they care anymore or are just fully done with me and have decided that i could go jump off a cliff for all they care. idk. What is it that matters to me at the end of the day? I know family & friends are a big part but what about everything else. People say that money doesnt matter but at the end of the day we all know it does because without money there is no food or shelter. And if you dont have food or shelter then your family isnt being taken cared of. Your family wont be happy and it'll be horrible. So truth is money as well as food and shelter matter too. Its what keeps the family happy and healthy. That whole family bond is so amazing. I wish i had that as a child. I wish i had younger siblings. I guess i assume if i did id have someone there to look up to me and think im amazing even though im not. They would find me to be perfect even though i have many flaws. I somewhat get that bond with my cousins and its awesome so i think if i had actual brothers or sisters itd be even more wonderful. Maybe now im just going on and on about nothing but i tend to do that. How i wish so many things dont i. I ask for love and siblings and a huge warm happy family but i cant have that. I guess the lack of family warmth through out my childhood makes me wanna be a better parent for my future kids. I want them to feel loved and get the care they deserve from their parents. To know that someones there for them thru the good and the bad. To know that no matter what I'll be there whether its 3 am in the morning or 5 in the afternoon i'll be there to let them no it'll be ok in thee end. What i said may sound stupid to some or just not interest them but idc cause it wasnt meant for them to like or interest them it was just for me to pour out everything i have inside. And now i gotta go to bed cause ima have to get up in a bit so trying to sleep wouldnt hurt. Goodbye journal.