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confused.
Posted on 2008.09.05 at 00:57Current Mood:
confused
I really just feel like typing and typing cause im so mad as well as confused. I dont understand what people want. I mean yeah certain things i do till they completely say the opposite and im just left like wtf. Something ive learned through out my life is that people like to hear what they wanna hear. Most of the time they get it and when they dont they usually dont like that. But honestly what the fuck man i dont get any of this. I havent talked to cynthia like a serious convo for the longest and i am not gonna lie im pissed cause of it. I woke up cranky like fuck today in the night cause of it. I mean i hate the fact that we barely talk now and that it seems to not matter. I feel so unappretiatted as well as unloved. Its bad enough cause of the distance but the whole talking is just so much more frustrating. Yeah she calls at night sometimes but truth is 30 seconds to about 2 minutes a night does not sustain me. It angers me. I know i should be grateful that atleast she calls but those 30 seconds make me wanna hear her so much more but i cant due to the fact that she shouldnt be on the phone. So then the rest of the night im left alone and it sucks. As time passes i start to wonder if maybe her feelings are changing. What if outta nowhere she calls and says thats shes over me completely done. What the hell will happen to me? I dont know how i'll react at that moment cause truth is its just a reaction I'll get if it happens. And then what if she meets someone else? And turns out falling for him? I'll be screwed and honestly im not ready for that type of pain. What if weeks pass and we never speak again?? Then what will happen? i dont know. I guess maybe im just being stupid and worrying for no reason but truth is i dont know. I hate the fact that i have to over think things but gah can you blame me? Its not the first time something like this happens to me and i know for a fact that feelings can change. Moving off the topic of cynthia. And then tonight I am not gonna lie im pissed at the fact that this here person said that stuff to me. If you like someone so much why would you wanna not speak to them? Well i understand you wanna get rid of the feelings but did she have to be so fucking mean about it? If she didnt wanna speak to me she could of fucking said so earlier i would of just not talked to her what so ever. And then asking me if that one thing worked? WTF. Of course not but i deal. i may have said mhm but that was cause i was pissed. The fact that my eyes got all watery and i cried cuz of it makes me feel stupid. Due to the fact that all this time i trusted her with stuff and she basically implied that she was trying to avoid me. Thats fucking messed up and it infuriates me. I mean i felt as if she was someone i could talk to just about anything to. But then she popped out with that and it felt like a major blow. For this reason i am confused. Why would she continue talking to me if she knew she wanted to get me outta her system?? I understand that she wanted to see me happy but why would she tease me like that? Its like randomly she'd say stuff that werent friend like and idk. I guess it just doesnt come together in my mind. Or maybe it does but i dont wanna see it like that. I think im just gonna stop talking to that person because id rather do that then be avoided. But no what pisses me off more was that i told her something really personal that i havent told anyone and not even a half hour later pops out with all that shit. And then that "aha" near the end wtf? It wasnt meant to be funny. If i would have written this at that exact moment i would of probably insulted her but i didnt so im happy about that because putting someone down isnt kool. Enough with that though. Im eating and its late. I cant sleep and am not in the mood to read anything. I just wanna do something to help ease my mind a bit. And also to take my mind off all these things but i cant. Honestly i wish i was madly in love but you cant force yourself to fall for someone it just has to happen. Unexpectedly and beautifully. The day that happens to me shall be the most amazing day of my life because truth is i miss the feeling. I miss knowing that other special person would risk everything just to talk or be with you. I miss being told how much im wanted and loved by them. I miss knowing im the only one on their mind. I miss the butterflies. I miss the words that come from the heart and the way they put it all together so amazingly that it makes your heart beat faster and gets you so happy. Or the i love yous that stop your heart and take your breath away completely. The lovey dovey stuff that follows with it. I miss being felt truly wanted as well as loved and appretiated, cared for. Its something so amazing. I want to find someone who believes i am worth their time someone to spend a great deal of my life with. It doesnt have to be my true soul mate at the moment but something similar to it. I guess the truth is that i want to just already find her and spend forever together and in love with. Get married have kids and both be completely happy and satisfied with it all. Maybe im wanting something too soon at such a young age but can you blame me? I just wanna be happy and complete. I cant deal with anything anymore. I miss my dog! And i miss everyone too. I miss knowing i was the only one. Man i should really be going to bed but i wanna keep typing. I mean i could use the phone to continue this but im too lazy. Reminds me that i might get my new phone soon. Im glad cause im tired of using my cousins. Well i just want to be happy. I need to stop thinking about others feelings and start thinking about my own because if i dont who else will? Its so difficult though. My minds been so fuzzy lately. I dont remember things and when i get home i knock out for like 3 hours then wake up and cant sleep anymore. Honestly though im tired of everything i just wanna quit and stop everything. Just get up and leave somewhere new start fresh and forget about all those who say they love me. Because you never know if they mean it till they prove it. Of course i know those that mean it and those that i am not sure of but still id like to find out the truth. What do these people expect from me? What do they want from me? Am i to them just a form of entertainment? Someone they can trust? Someone whos there to listen? Or what? Do they truly know me? Or do they just assume they do? i dont know how to answer these questions and i wonder if they could answer them for me but then again i dont know. I just wish i knew. In time i guess maybe i will know and if not then oh well to bad. What about all those i care about but dont talk to anymore? Its not easy to forget someone you've bonded with so well. We just go about our days keeping them out of our mind but theyre still there whether we wanna admit it or not. Theyve become a part of us and we dont know if they'll ever be fully out of our system. I wonder if im on their mind? If they care anymore or are just fully done with me and have decided that i could go jump off a cliff for all they care. idk. What is it that matters to me at the end of the day? I know family & friends are a big part but what about everything else. People say that money doesnt matter but at the end of the day we all know it does because without money there is no food or shelter. And if you dont have food or shelter then your family isnt being taken cared of. Your family wont be happy and it'll be horrible. So truth is money as well as food and shelter matter too. Its what keeps the family happy and healthy. That whole family bond is so amazing. I wish i had that as a child. I wish i had younger siblings. I guess i assume if i did id have someone there to look up to me and think im amazing even though im not. They would find me to be perfect even though i have many flaws. I somewhat get that bond with my cousins and its awesome so i think if i had actual brothers or sisters itd be even more wonderful. Maybe now im just going on and on about nothing but i tend to do that. How i wish so many things dont i. I ask for love and siblings and a huge warm happy family but i cant have that. I guess the lack of family warmth through out my childhood makes me wanna be a better parent for my future kids. I want them to feel loved and get the care they deserve from their parents. To know that someones there for them thru the good and the bad. To know that no matter what I'll be there whether its 3 am in the morning or 5 in the afternoon i'll be there to let them no it'll be ok in thee end. What i said may sound stupid to some or just not interest them but idc cause it wasnt meant for them to like or interest them it was just for me to pour out everything i have inside. And now i gotta go to bed cause ima have to get up in a bit so trying to sleep wouldnt hurt. Goodbye journal.